10. DON'T settle in for another night of free bed and board just because you've always thought you deserve to be treated like a Saudi prince on a trip to London. House guests are normally expected to leave after a light lunch if staying at the weekend - your hosts will be dying for you to sling your hook so they can tidy up after you.
9. DON'T laugh at any pictures you see on display. What might seem funny to you could well be someone else's dearly departed granny or a beloved childhood pet tragically lost in a traffic accident.
8. DON'T offer to clean your hosts' bathroom before you use it. It's rude and will make you look like an obsessive constantly in fear of germs.
7. DON'T eat marmite or chocolate in bed. You could leave very unwelcome stains which could be misinterpreted as something far more humiliating.
6. DON'T sleep in until lunch. You might have had a tough week of getting up early but your hosts won't appreciate you catching up on your dream time on their watch. Try and hit the bathroom by 9am to avoid the inevitable pain of the Dyson treatment as you grossly overstay your welcome.
5. DON'T meet your future in-laws for the first time, get drunk, sleepwalk downstairs, set off the intruder alarm and then collapse unconscious on the lounge sofa with the alarm still going off as panic breaks
out in the household. It really does happen more than you might think...
4. DON'T smoke in the guest bedroom if your hosts don't enjoy the odd cigarette. It's bound to inspire sour faces over breakfast and might set off that smoke alarm you didn't spot in the middle of the night. Think of their home as a place of work - smoke outside unless told otherwise.
3. DON'T sleep naked. If there's a fire or you kick off your duvet in the middle of the night you could reveal much more to your hosts than you ever planned to. Plus, hosts often don't take to kindly to naked bodies on sofa beds...
2. DON'T sneak out after your hosts have hit the hay for a wild night on the town, meet someone 'special' and then bring them back to keep the party going. It never, ever seems like such a good idea in the morning when an unexpected and hungover guest pulls up a chair for toast and cereal.
1. DON'T clog up the toilet or leave a body hair forest in the shower cubicle after your morning soak. Your hosts will never see you in the same light again.
