1. ITV Report

Joan Rivers dies aged 81: Her funniest one-liners

Joan Rivers with her daughter Melissa in 2000. Credit: Reuters

Joan Rivers - who has passed away aged 81 - was known and loved as a fearless entertainer, for whom no subject was deemed taboo.

An icon for fans of either sex, she was nonetheless pioneering in the way she joked about women's issues that simply weren't discussed on air - in equal parts cutting and self-deprecating but always hilarious.

Here are a handful of her funniest jokes and one-liners.

On relationships

  • My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks
  • Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name
  • I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir"

On getting older

  • Had a friend who is going through menopause come by for lunch today. Her hot flash was so bad, it steam-cleaned my carpet
  • I said to my husband: "My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs". He said: "Blue goes with everything"
  • My body is so bad, a Peeping Tom looked in my window and pulled down the shade
Joan Rivers with her daughter Melissa in 2000. Credit: Reuters

On plastic surgery

  • I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects”
  • My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn

On death

  • At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents
  • I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware

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