1. ITV Report

The 10 sharpest Joan Rivers one-liners

Caustic comic Joan Rivers has died aged 81.

Here are 10 of her sharpest one-liners:

On marriage

  • "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

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On fitness

  • "I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
Empics

On wealth

  • "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
Reuters

On cosmetic surgery

  • "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware."

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On her appearance

  • "I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My make-up team is nominated for best special effects."'
Empics

On ageing

  • "When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off."
PA

On ageing again

  • "You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."
Empics

And again

  • "At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass."
PA

On Boy George

  • "Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
ABACA

On her daughter

  • "My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, 'Pick up, I know you're there'."

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