D minus 23 and counting… A campaign diary

David Cameron outlining the Conservative Party manifesto today. Photo: PA Wire

Well, who saw that coming? Big Blue has come all over all Citizen Smith. “Power to the People!” and all that. I don’t think he’s told anyone (yet) that come the revolution they’ll be first against the wall, but he is saying some pretty strange things about the Tories being the ‘party of the workers’. What with Ed Miliband now a paragon of fiscal responsibility, these are confusing times.

So, if I’ve got this right, the Tooting Popular Front and workers’ collectives up and down the country will soon rise up against the hated Housing Associations and seize properties in the name of the working class. At a tapered discount, of course, accruing at 1% a year for each year of occupancy. Yeah! Property is theft!

And when Wolfie and Shirl finally have kids, they’re going to get twice as much free child care paid for by Big Blue’s new Provisional Workers’ Councils. But only if they’re both working, so as Shirl’s mother would say “You’ll have to get a job first, Foxy”.

David Cameron with his wife Samantha in Swindon today. Credit: PA Wire

It’s possible I may have misunderstood. Kind of Blue does a lot of briefing about this complicated stuff aboard the Big-Blue-Battle-Bus, and I have to tell you that it’s really hard taking notes as you bump along our nation’s B roads. My notebook looks as if my grandmother’s been at it after a particularly long morning on the Bristol Cream.

And that was before we made the emergency stop when the driver spotted that we were about to take our 3 point 6 meter high bus under a 3 point ZERO meter bridge. Taking the top off the Big-Blue-Battle-Bus. Now that would have been a story.

The BBC kindly totted up how far planes, trains and Big-Blue-Autobusmobiles have carried us so far, and I’m thrilled to announce that we’ve won! Double the distance of ANY of the other campaigns. UKIP, it seems, have barely left home. If the BBC is to be believed (no comment), the Blues have been in and out of planes, trains, buses and cars. UKIP, in contrast, have used a car. Part-timers.

The Prime Minister speaking in Swindon at the launch of the Conservative Party manifesto. Credit: PA Wire

Big Blue doesn’t seem to be sick of us yet. He was very excited when he came back to talk to the cheap seats after Mr Miliband’s campaign launch. We wondered why? Was he really so pleased that Labour are abandoning the working class to the Tories in favour of cuts, austerity and fiscal responsibility?

No. It seems what thrilled him was that the Red Flag behind his opponent was no longer deepest red, nor shrouded o’er their martyrs dead, but instead has turned a shade of claret and blue. The colours of his beloved Aston Villa. He seems to think it’s some sort of omen.

Though not, I would suggest, a good one.

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