1. ITV Report

Keeping the ITV News Anglia newsroom laughing: Steve's 'Joke of the Day'

ITV News Anglia's Steve Chilvers. Credit: ITV News Anglia

As we all know, these are worrying and frightening times for everyone, which makes it more important than ever before to look on the brighter side of life if possible.

ITV News Anglia production specialist Steve Chilvers has been doing exactly that, by promising to e-mail a daily joke to the rest of the team.

Most of them are terrible, but every now and then, some do raise a smile (as well as the odd groan) around the newsroom and among colleagues who are currently working from home.

We hope his punchlines bring you a few laughs over the coming days and weeks...

  • Day One
Tubs of glue. Credit: PA

My friend claims that he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe it. However, that's his story & he's sticking to it...

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day Two
A triangle. Credit: Wikicommons

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night and halfway through the bloke on the triangle disappeared!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day Three
A bunch of strawberries. Credit: PA

I failed my driving test theory. The question said: "What is a sign you may see on a country road?" Apparently "Pick your own strawberries" isn't an acceptable answer!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day Four
Bottles of gin. Credit: PA

A man walks into a bar & notices all the shelves are empty apart from some bottles of gin & whisky on the top shelf. "Ahh, I see you're keeping your spirits up!"

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day Five
Inside a prison cell. Credit: PA

Did you hear the world tongue-twister champion just got arrested? I hear he's going to get a really tough sentence!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day Six
Steve thinks he's hit the bullseye with this one Credit: PA Images

Just had a call from my mate. He said he bought a world map and told his wife:

"Throw this dart and wherever it lands I'm taking you for a holiday when this pandemic is over"

Turns out they're spending two weeks behind the fridge!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day Seven
This one deserves an appearance before the beak Credit: PA Images

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day Eight
Steve reckons this one's a Killer (Queen) Credit: PA Images

I just interviewed a bloke for a job.

"Can you perform under pressure?" I asked. "

No, he replied. "But I do a great Bohemian Rhapsody!"

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day Nine
Tea and biscuits. Credit: Rumman Amin on Unsplash

My wife says I'm tight, so to prove her wrong I'm taking her out for tea & biscuits today.

It should be quite exciting, as she's never given blood before!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 10
Bins out for collection. Credit: ITV News Anglia

2020 - The year your bin goes out more than you do!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 11
The Twitter logo. Credit: PA/Twitter

A man tells his doctor: "Help me, I'm addicted to Twitter."

The doctor replies: "Sorry, I don't follow you..."

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 12
A magician doing a card trick Credit: PA

Did you hear about the magician who was driving down the street? He turned into a driveway!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 13
Someone watching television Credit: PA

I saw an advert in a window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full'

I thought, 'I can't turn that down'!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 14
A computer keyboard Credit: PA - that's a site for sore eyes!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 15
A cuckoo clock. Credit: PA

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. It's not great, but it gets me out of the house!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 16
A sewing machine. Credit: PA

Did you hear about the guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week? He's now fully RE-COVERED!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 17
Car brakes. Credit: PA

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 18
Space. Credit: Jeremy Thomas on Unsplash

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 19

Sorry, this content isn't available on your device.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were PRIME MATES!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 20
Apple pie. Credit: PA

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica & $3.00 in The Bahamas. These are the 'pie rates' of the Caribbean!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 21
Carrots on display in a shop. Credit: PA

This girl today said she recognised me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 22
Envelopes Credit: PA

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 23
Credit: PA

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce? Chicken Ceaser Salad!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 24
Fork on a plate Credit: PA

My mate told me the other day I was getting fat! But in my defence, I have had a lot on my plate lately!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 25

Sorry, this content isn't available on your device.

Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you having a crisis"?

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 27
Credit: PA

Did you hear about the lumberjack who died? The police are calling it an axe-ident!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 28
Credit: PA

I just had a bloke come up to me and say he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar. I said: "Is that a fret?!"

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 29
Tortilla plus a serving suggestion.

Did you hear my song about a Tortilla?

Actually, it's more of a wrap!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 30
A woman receiving botox injections. Credit: PA

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 31
A construction site. Credit: PA

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Sorry, I'm still working on it!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 32
A scarecrow. Credit: PA

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 33
A turtle. Credit: Photo by Randall Ruiz on Unsplash

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle," he says. "Oh... who's on your back?" "That's Michelle," he replies!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 34
A bowl of rice. Credit: Photo by Pille-Riin Priske on Unsplash

I woke up with a face full of rice.

I must've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 35
Police tape. Credit: PA

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 36
A bumble bee. Credit: PA

I went into a pet shop & asked for 12 bees. The shopkeeper counted out 13 & handed them over. "You've given me one too many," I said. He replied: "That one is a freebie!"

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 37
William Shakespeare. Credit: PA

Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 38
Roast lamb. Credit: PA

I got caught stealing a leg of lamb from the supermarket.

The security guard said: "What are you doing with that?" I replied: "Potatoes, peas & gravy would be nice!"

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 39
A blacksmith at work. Credit: Photo by Malcolm Lightbody on Unsplash

My friend bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as he got it home it made a bolt for the door!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 40
A zebra crossing. Credit: PA

I spent ages trying to cross a busy road. A passer-by said: "There's a zebra crossing up the road." I replied: "Then he's having better luck than me!"

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 41
A chiropractor. Credit: PA

I admit, I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is. I stand corrected!!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 42
A garden fence. Credit: Manja Vitolic on Unsplash

I saw a man take a gate from the bottom of my garden.

I didn't say anything, as I didn't want him to take a fence!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 43
A badminton shuttlecock. Credit: PA

My new dog Minton just ate all my shuttlecocks! Bad Minton!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 44
A road sign. Credit: Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

I refused to believe that my road-worker dad was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 45
A baguette. Credit: Bianca Ackermann on Unsplash

I went to the zoo yesterday & saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 46
Seoul in South Korea. Credit: PA

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I hope it's going to be a good Korea move!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 47
A Dublin city centre street. Credit: PA

Which country's capital is the fastest growing? Ireland's - every year it's Dublin!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 48
A weasel. Credit: Brent Jones on Unsplash

A weasel walks into a bar & the bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 49
Bob Marley. Credit: PA

My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him, taken his Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish! Poor guy. No woman, no Sky!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 50
The Hobbit movie set in New Zealand. Credit: Thomas Schweighofer on Unsplash

My wife keeps having disturbing dreams, shouting things like, "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!" & "Mordor!" She's always Tolkien in her sleep!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 51
A dining room. Credit: PA

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture, but when I got home the tables were turned!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 52
A sailing boat. Credit: Photo by Ramon Kagie on Unsplash

I've just started a business building yachts from home.

Sails are going through the roof!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 53
A bear. Credit: Photo by Geoff Brooks on Unsplash

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a whisky..............and a coke".

The bar tender asks: "Why the big pause?"

The bear replies: "I don't know, I was just born with them."

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 54
Surgeons at work. Credit: Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction support group. I see a lot of new faces around today!

– Steve Chilvers
  • Day 55
The Apple logo. Credit: PA

If you're at the Apple store when it gets robbed, does that make you an iWitness?

– Steve Chilvers

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