When Piers announces he is getting married to someone who won't let Alan B'Stard kick him around anymore, Alan sets about sabotaging the happy day.

Contains adult humour and sexual references.

The New Statesman

Meet Alan Beresford B'Stard, an unscrupulous young politico, who will stop at nothing to get elected to Parliament.

Happiness Is a Warm Gun

The New Statesman - Series 1 - Episode 1

1. Happiness Is a Warm Gun

the-new-statesman

EPISODE

Alan's wife, Sarah, inherits a million pounds worth of shares, which enables her to fulfill her deepest wish - to leave Alan. But Alan B'Stard MP knows a politician needs a wife.

Passport to Freedom

The New Statesman - Series 1 - Episode 2

2. Passport to Freedom

Alan realises that joining a moral crusade can be extremely profitable... with hilarious consequences.

Sex Is Wrong

The New Statesman - Series 1 - Episode 3

3. Sex Is Wrong

Alan's dirty dealings catch up with him. Years ago he accepted cash to get rid of a lorryload of nuclear waste, now he learns the garage storing it is earmarked for demolition!

Waste Not, Want Not

The New Statesman - Series 1 - Episode 4

4. Waste Not, Want Not

Alan organises a parliamentary fact-finding expedition to a sun-kissed Caribbean island... whose only export seems to be the world's strongest marijuana!

Friends of St James

The New Statesman - Series 1 - Episode 5

5. Friends of St James

Alan is due to appear on TVAM to discuss a by-election result. Unfortunately, an all-night sitting in a house of ill-repute means he has no idea about the election result.

Three Line Whipping

The New Statesman - Series 1 - Episode 6

6. Three Line Whipping

Alan's hateful father in law threatens to have him thrown out of his seat unless he starts pulling his weight in the constituency. Can a millionaire from Dallas help save him?

Baa Baa Black Sheep

The New Statesman - Series 1 - Episode 7

7. Baa Baa Black Sheep

Series 1

During a television debate Alan, Member for Haltemprice, falls foul of fellow panelist Georgina Pitt, militant leader of Hackney Council.

Fatal Extraction

The New Statesman - Series 2 - Episode 1

1. Fatal Extraction

Parliament has gone primetime with the introduction of TV cameras into the Commons. However, it proves to be little more than an outrageous scripted soap opera, thanks Alan.

Live From Westminster

The New Statesman - Series 2 - Episode 2

2. Live From Westminster

Always eager to help improve the minds of the young, especially the mind of a very attractive Girl Guide, Alan B'Stard MP forms the young ladies' Recreational Association.

A Wapping Conspiracy

The New Statesman - Series 2 - Episode 3

3. A Wapping Conspiracy

Thrusting his way through the lobby of anti-Nazi protesters, B'Stard refuses point blank to sign their petition supporting moves to rid Britain of German War criminals.

The Haltemprice Bunker

The New Statesman - Series 2 - Episode 4

4. The Haltemprice Bunker

When parliament's man of the moment, Alan B'Stard, flies to California, he finds it's not just a common language that divides Britain and America. 

California Here I Come

The New Statesman - Series 2 - Episode 5

5. California Here I Come

May the Best Man Win

The New Statesman - Series 2 - Episode 6

6. May the Best Man Win

It must be a blue moon because Alan is holding a surgery in his hometown of Haltemprice. However, his constituents are made to pay for the pleasure in hard cash.

Piers of the Realm

The New Statesman - Series 2 - Episode 7

7. Piers of the Realm

Series 2

Alan's reputation as the most right-wing Tory MP in the House is under threat. How will the New Statesman demolish the young pretender to his political crown?

Labour of Love

The New Statesman - Series 3 - Episode 1

1. Labour of Love

Major is securely belted in the driving seat of the Tory machine but despite the new leadership, Conservative fortunes are flagging.

The Party's Over

The New Statesman - Series 3 - Episode 2

2. The Party's Over

Following his riotous TV appearance in Balance, a serious discussion slot chaired by MENSA member Joan Bakewell,  Alan is branded an animal hater in the tabloid press.

Let Them Sniff Cake

The New Statesman - Series 3 - Episode 3

3. Let Them Sniff Cake

In the House of Commons conniving Tory Alan B'Stard faces a barrage of hostility from an Opposition outraged by his proposal for an amendment to the Social Security Bill.

Keeping Mum

The New Statesman - Series 3 - Episode 4

4. Keeping Mum

During the annual cocktail party at his country residence, B'Stard's scathing contempt for his Haltemprice constituents seriously backfires.

Natural Selection

The New Statesman - Series 3 - Episode 5

5. Natural Selection

The purpose of Alan's USSR tour is to spread the gospel of Capitalism according to B'Stard, as well as to acquire several thousand roubles by selling off video cassettes of his free-market sermons.

Profit of Boom

The New Statesman - Series 3 - Episode 6

6. Profit of Boom

Series 3

Alan is on the warpath. Abandoned in the frozen wastes of a Siberian labour camp by spiteful spouse Sarah, he returns triumphantly to financial, political and marital disaster.

Back From the Mort

The New Statesman - Series 4 - Episode 1

1. Back From the Mort

While Piers Fletcher-Dervish is dealing with the ins and outs of political life, Alan is somewhat put out to find himself indebted to his wife Sarah.

H*A*S*H

The New Statesman - Series 4 - Episode 2

2. H*A*S*H

Brussels is a zoo, and it's getting on top of the new Commissioner for Internal Relations. Poor old Piers! Maybe that's why he relies on Alan's scheming to save his bacon. 

Speaking in Tongues

The New Statesman - Series 4 - Episode 3

3. Speaking in Tongues

The Molotov cocktails may be raining down on refugee hostels in Germany, but Alan B'Stard is more concerned with a potentially explosive plan which he has up his sleeve.

Heil and Farewell

The New Statesman - Series 4 - Episode 4

4. Heil and Farewell

Alan doesn't balk at the Balkans. The war-stricken Yugoslavia draws Alan there to help - help himself, that is, to other people's money.

A Bigger Splash

The New Statesman - Series 4 - Episode 5

5. A Bigger Splash

All hell breaks loose when Alan decides to interfere with the mountains of untaxed cash lying hidden in the Channel Islands.

6. The Irresistible Rise of Alan B' Stard

The Irresistible Rise of Alan B' Stard

The New Statesman - Series 4 - Episode 6

Series 4

After surviving a carefully staged assassination attempt, Alan B'Stard finds himself in real danger for a change. His wife Sarah, bitterly disappointed at not becoming a wealthy widow, teams up with a journalist to expose B'Stard as the fraud he is.

New Statesman Special: Who Shot Alan B'stard?